Today, i was called in by my lecturer to have a talk about the referral letter she was preparing for my university application. the moment i sat down, she asked me, "What are your strengths and weaknesses?"
I paused.
I went through a list of strengths with her, which included me having leadership experience and being enthusiastic about school events. When it came to my weaknesses, there was only one which we zoomed into - PROCRASTINATION.
Wow. Even a lecturer who has taught me for barely a year can see that i am one who procrastinates. I am guilty. i procrastinate a lot. i procrastinate so much that even my friends are unaware of it. i even procrastinate on sleep. I have decided to write on this topic to acknowledge this problem and hopefully to find a solution for it.
Whenever i am given a task to do, say for example, for a school project, i do not start on it immediately. i would log onto facebook, and then check out my emails, and check out celebrity blogs, and play facebook games i don't even touch on normal days, and i go to the loo, and i go and get some snacks, and i rest, and i blog, and i do ANYTHING ELSE that didn't involve doing my project. Even right now as i am typing this blog post, i am procrastinating my sleep, because my eyelids feel so so heavy, but i just refuse to budge the sting in my eyes and carry on with this blogging thing.
The reason i procrastinate? Its for the most childish reason - I'm afraid of time. whenever i am 100% focused on doing something - be it work, or play, i am so wrapped around in that world that i become unaware of my surrounding. By the time i reach the arrival hall of reality, the whole day would have been gone. When i realised that this is what concentration brings to me, i freaked out! i want to know whats going on around me. i want to be part of whatever thats going on around me. i don't want to be in my world. i want to be in the world. i don't want to realise what i have missed out because i have been in my world. its scary how detached you can be. it truly is. so, it has been more than 2 years since i realised that and it has been showing in my report cards. i never dare to study too much because of this fact, and hence, i put them off. Friends and family are placed way ahead of my studies. Whenever my friends asked me out and i know i have to do my homework at night, i'd go out with my friends. Whenever i know i have work to do, i don't do them until the last minute when i really need to hand them up. i know you might think that it's a lame excuse to defend my poor grades, but its a fact. i do have a phobia for time, for growing up. Chronophobia (defined in wikitionary as Fear of the passing of time, or more generally of time itself.) is what makes me procrastinate.
The solution: No idea. I guess i really have to do one thing at a time and stop worrying so much. What's the point of worrying about the future when the present is more blurry than the future, eh? To be able to succeed in life, focus is important. i am one of the rare female species of human being who cannot multi-task. i only perform when i grasp the best understanding of something, and that requires my 100% focus. But because being 100% focused makes time fly by faster than you think it has, it is the root of all my problems. Well, i am going to try to take my mind off this whole "time flies past" nonsense. But u know whats the fear here? it is that, what if it takes 20 years to have gained consciousness of my surroundings from being absorbed into my own world? What if i missed 20 years of .. opportunities just because i was too focused? Its kinda like the "chicken egg theory", where the problem is pretty much the solution and vice versa.
I have no idea what is going to happen. But i do know for sure that i need a change in order to move on in my life. I guess i will need to change then, to be successful. But you know what they say - its always easier said than done.
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